there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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