Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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