mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
