It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
