Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
