Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
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any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
did i walk over a car last night?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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