Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
