i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
