just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
