My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
