I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I am available for nakedness
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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