i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
no. you can't hotbox the world.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
