dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize