i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
