the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I will pee on everything he values.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
