shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
