phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
