did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
