her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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