I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
