Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
