I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
