Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
