Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize