just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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