Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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