I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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