The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jger and an empty bed here Friday.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
