so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
