There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
