Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
