How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Randomize
