At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
