don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
