im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
