As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
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