Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize