I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
you didnt know i had herpes?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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