I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
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