mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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