I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
