And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
