I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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