so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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