if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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