Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
