I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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