I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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