have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
