I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
