He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
