I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
How does it feel to date your dad?
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