Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize