there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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