woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
