I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
