Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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