Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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