my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
