someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
